This Screaming Skull

I focus on her eyes. I always remembered that much – kind eyes. Blue eyes. Red hair. Of which I have neither. These are recessive genes. As I dig deeper, I learn that redheads feel pain more acutely. Is she one of them? Will higher doses of anesthetic be needed to feel the effect?

Do doctors know this and practice it? I’ll have to ask the next time I’m in the Emergency Room. They’ll think I’m weird. Weirder and weirder every time I go back. Inevitably, I go back. The aura comes, and the countdown begins.

Sometimes, it’s like a thunderclap that deafens the ears and the mind. I have no time to brace. I’m on the floor, tense, convulsing, seizing.

Sometimes, it’s the soft lights. Tiny specks that flutter in my vision. Is there a pattern, a message in their movement? The more I focus and try to understand, the more they cloud and obstruct my view, and then I seize. Is it a defence mechanism for when I get too close to deciphering their code?

Sometimes, it’s a shimmering line, a tether to some place, to someone — maybe to her? I follow it and it leads me further and further away. If I keep its pace, I can follow it until exhaustion and slumber. If I rush it and charge forward impatiently, I seize. Either way, I never get a glimpse of the end.

Sometimes, it’s the bright lights that start as tiny specs in the distance. I try to evade them, because they frighten me the most. But they rush me and overtake me. They hover above as one, like the lights of a spaceship, and then they swirl and embrace me and take me to darkness. Weightless, it feels like the void of death — non-existence. Fear overtakes. I seize again.

Sometimes, probably all of the time, there’s the nausea. I’m not sure if that’s an aura in itself, or my own nerves, my own anxiety over when and where the next seizure will come.

When I seize, I transmit. I don’t know why or how. I don’t always know the message. But I know it’s important. And it’s important that she be the receiver. But transmission means pain for both.

Do we bare the same scars? Slashed forehead and chin. Broken wrist and arm. Two or three concussions. I’ve fallen when there’s been no one to catch me. Does she have someone to hold her hand, to break her fall? I hope she’s safe and cared for. She shouldn’t suffer more pain than I’ve endured myself. I want her to hear me, but I don’t want her to hurt, not because of my uncontrollable screaming skull.

48 thoughts on “This Screaming Skull

  1. Don’t give up, never give up. You will find each other and make the last part of this journey together. Her love for you is stronger than any pain she might feel and is her fuel to keep going. There is hope.

  2. Soon the truth will be revealed to you, revealed to all of us. Keep focusing on those eyes, they will guide you home.

  3. None of you deserve that pain, but she knows is you making contact with her. She will endure. And she have someone at her back. Always.

  4. Hello Rever, I like your stories very much these have that paranormal touch that makes them fascinating, but also sometimes it seems like you are telling a true story, I hope that is not the case.

    Anyway, while I was reading I remembered that once I was told that the FBI has a secret division in which they investigate things like what you write, isn’t it funny?


  5. Don’t give up. Soon you will find her and then the two of you can comfort each other. Good luck on your journey and stay safe

  6. Willian,
    The day will come … when the darkness try to reach you, don’t get lost.. remember that the lights of her heart are on .. You must follow the light.. it will guide you back home, back to her.

  7. Don’t worry Will, your dad makes sure your mom is safe and cared for, and always holds her hand and catches her when she falls.

  8. William your mother and father love you so much and they will find you, for you are their miracle and they miss you and can’t wait to see you again.

  9. : One day, you’ll ask me to speak of a truth – of the miracle of your birth. To explain what is unexplained. And if I falter or fail on this day, know there is an answer, my child – a sacred imperishable truth, but one you may never hope to find alone.. Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite – your protector and endangeror.. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys – a search for truths fugitive and imponderable. If one day this chance may befall you, my son, do not fail or falter to seize it. The truths are out there. And if one day you should behold a miracle, as I have in you, you will learn the truth is not found in science, or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart. And in that moment you will be blessed – and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately.. apart.

  10. Jeremhia was a bullfrog
    was a good friend of mine..:
    … joy to the world
    all boys and girls…”

    Do you remember this song?
    Your mum always singed To you ❤️

    Don’ t give up

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.